Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Lennon

Recently I have borrowed some books from my mum to read. One of the books is the Playboy interviews with John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

John Lennon: Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King are great examples of fantastic nonviolents who died violently. I can never work that out. We're pacifists, but I'm not sure what it means when you're such a pacifist that you get shot. I can never understand that.

two months later, December 8, 1980.
John Lennon was shot.



Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

forty three

days until my birthday, whoo!
I guess this is the last year to mean anything, being 21 and what not.
now that I have moved out my list when it comes to my birthday have changed. Instead of asking for things I want like clothing, etc. I am asking for things I actually need, with the exception of one thing that is just for my reading pleasure.
I have asked my dad for new tires on my bike being that they are dry rotting and old.
I also need a coffee maker but i would rather have a blender. I need a door runner for my closet door in the hallway because there is a huge gap between the door and the floor. I also need a flat iron for my hair and lastly I am asking for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... something I have been dying to read but is out of my budget.
And I believe that would be the shortest birthday wish list I have ever come up with, ahh the joys of growing up.

Friday, August 14, 2009

pictures i promised.

My cats do really enjoy the place, as do I. I will be very pleased when I get my couches here one day!





Heres a video:

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Free at last.

So its official, I have move out of my parents houses for good. Well, thats the plan anyways. I signed my lease a month ago so I'm just now experiencing full freedom! I have the full freedom of living on my own, no freedom over the money in my bank account.. because there is none! I found my a one bedroom apartment in Old Louisville so its close to campus and I can save money by riding my bike to school and work. I'm completely satisfied of my first place. Its not a studio so it has separate rooms and plenty of space which is a huge plus. There is enough space for my cats and plenty or windows for them to look out of. I'm on the third floor of one of the old homes so there is only one apartment on the top floor so I have windows on every side of the house. I only have to worry about me and my things.. no one else. I have everything moved in except for my couches because they are huge and no one can figure out how to get them in yet. But i have chairs and things so its working out splendid! My marvelous father installed my window unit and put bars on the window in my bedroom because it leads to the fire escape and its not hard to climb up it.
I feel grown up, like there's no turning back now. I have rent and bills to pay so I'm having to budget my money for the first time really. Rent is 400$ a month and I have to pay gas and utilities. I have to feed and take care of myself as well as my cats. Its really bright during the day time because of all the windows so I never have to turn lights on while the suns up, so that saves a lot of money.
I love it here in my new home with my small little baby family :)
Hopefully soon I will have some pictures I can upload of my new place!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

depths.

Wise Words

I have this friend named Jacob. The last few days weve been hanging out riding bikes and stuff and I've just recently realized how geniousss he is. I was looking at his myspace and im totally stealing his blog. But after reading it.. theres no way I could say it anyyy better than he did:


addiction
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life
fuck. that should be all. it is not.

isnt it funny how these little constants in our life are all that keep us going. these little seemingly nonexistant dependencies that rule each and every point of our perseity. however tragic it may be, we need each and every one of these normalties. and however tragic this may be, the removal of even one, or a fraction of one, begins a downward spiral sucking countless others into its devistating nature.

whether or not this innate desire for normalty, for comfort, is an addiction is debatable. i, however, feel that it is. i think that each of us depends solely on what we are used to and what we expect to happen. despite a change in lifestyle, location, the company you keep, or any other changes, there are still always these constants which come with us; the evolution of said constants is necesary and natural, but does not discount the fact that the constants are within. we bring them with us, it is inevitable, one cannot escape oneself.

addiction traditionally is viewed as a problem, as a disease. the word is also more frequently used to describe a dependance on some dangerous substance or habit. whether your addiction be drugs, alcohol, nicotine, sex, love, chocolate, plastic dashboard jesi (plural of jesus?), a favorite pillow, diet coke, chachkas, the presence of a certain person, whatever the fuck you need, the removal of it throws your entire world off of its axis.

it is when one realizes that these things are what make them who they are that they truly become complete. for any one person to say that there is not one thing in this world that they dont know what they would do without, is simply a lie.

im not really sure where im going with this but i am sure that i have done some serious thinking today and i have figured out that though so many of my "addictions" have evolved, so so many of them have also been lost over the past few years. and due to the loss of these dependencies ive realized that i may never be complete, which makes me question my own theory of completeity (made up word). in effect, the new revised verson of jacob's theory or completeity is that when one realizes these necessities and realizes that they still possess each, or have come to terms with the loss of one and no longer desires it, then and only then is that person complete.

The Best Text Message EVER.

uhh yeah michael. youre brilliant. he should stop worrying about you leaving him for a musician and start worrying about about what hes going to do to keep you around.

I love Elizabeth<3

Thursday, April 23, 2009

learn to flyyy

Black bird singing in the dead of night. take these broken wings and learn to flyyy.
.i love the beatles.
i also love being happy and thats really what i need to focus on right now. im tired of fighting to make everyone happy. im tired of hurting. im tired of feeling like im in the wrong when i know damn well im not. i just recently got a new job at boombozz as a hostess. and i was talking to one of my managers. And we were talking and she just put things in a whole new different perspective for me. I was really down. Theres a song, it says "Always up and down, never down and out". Honestly, lately ive been feeling down anddd out. She really made me feel a whole hell of a lot better. Its about to be summer. Ive been stressing out enough this winter and i dont need it anymore. i dont want it. and i realize i dont have to have it. I got a new job.. might be picking up a second one for more money. I want to do volunteer work or community service. I just want to help someone or give something back to the community, help the environment or something. It's just time for me to grow up and start acting like it.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Possibly one of the best truths ever written

There is an art of listening. To be able to really listen, one should abandon or put aside all prejudices, preformulations and daily activities... But unfortunately most of us listen through a screen of resistance. We are screened with prejudices, whether religious or spiritual, psychological or scientific; or with our daily worries, desires and fears. And with these for a screen, we listen. Therefore, we listen really to our own noise, to our own sound, not to what is being said. It is extremely difficult to put aside our training, our prejudices, our inclination, our resistance, and, reaching beyond the verbal expression, to listen so that we understand instantaneously.
-The Derek Trucks Band

Urban Policy

This is just a paper I wrote for my Urban Politics and Government Class. It is more like a last minute thing that I typed up so I realize its probably not in the best shape. Regardless...

Throughout the last fifty years there have been many attempts made by Presidents to help improve the state of urban affairs and rejuvenate America. Since the 1960’s many Presidents have developed programs that have pushed the federal government towards assisting in urban renewal. Some of the Presidents urban policies have been a great success where others have not. Also, there is much debate over the new President, Barrack Obama’s urban policy plan. To judge whether or not his plan will be a success, it is important to first look at the urban policies that have been implemented in the past.
Grant-in-aids were designed to send federal funds to the states to be used for domestic programs. Their popularity had been increasing but did not come into full effect until the 1960’s. During the 60’s the focus of these grants changed from being used to help states accomplish state objectives to helping “accomplish nationally defined objectives” (Text, pg. 333). As to every decision made there are both praises and criticisms and grant-in-aid programs are no exception.
These programs have been praised for helping to encourage the states to address and spend a lot of money on urban problems and also have allowed federal money to be more accessible. On the opposite side of all the benefits, there are the criticisms. It is argued that these grants have caused the decline in central cities populations due to the interstates being brought into areas that do not desire them. Because of the diminishing population, retailers move away with their customers. The development of grants has also made it to where local budgets are determined by federal programs which has made it quite difficult for states to apply their money to areas that are not supported by the grants (Text, pg. 336). Grants are only the first approach from the federal government to help with urban problem solving. There are many more policies that have led to the current state of America’s urban policy.
Lyndon Johnson (1963-1968) established the War on Poverty and called his administration the Great Society. He set up programs to fund things like transportation, housing and education. Johnson allowed the relationship between urban centers and the federal government to expand through increasing cooperation and involvement. There is nothing that goes un-criticized which holds true for these programs. It was argued that the federal government did not think states had the ability to make their own priorities and that they were breaking up families and trying to rid of blacks (Text, pg. 339). All of these criticisms were looked at by the incoming Presidential administration.
Executive administration would completely switch roles in 1969 when conservative Richard Nixon was sworn into office. His goal was to strengthen state governments under his new system which was called New Federalism. Nixon enacted Revenue Sharing which began to eliminate the impact of grants which led to state and local governments using federal revenue as seemed fit. The most significant result of the New Federalism administration was the development of the community development block grant which helped in urban redevelopment. The money went straight to city governments which led to more power being left to councils and elected executives (Text, pg.341). A “New Partnership” of the federal, state, city governments and private industry would be established with the transfer of powers to President Carter.
Jimmy Carter (1977-1980) calling for a “New Partnership” sought to fix problems in the big cities. Carter’s goal was to channel funds into development projects in urban neighborhoods and help revitalize distressed cities. He intended for large corporations to invest in cities to help create jobs for those in need. His efforts would be overturned with the changing of Presidents.
President Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) brought back New Federalism. He believed the urban development projects should be left to the private sector. Like Nixon, he wanted to eliminate much federal authority over smaller governments. Throughout his administration, although more decisions were left up to the cities, they were running short on money and had to eliminate services. Throughout his presidency the economy did steadily grow yet there was nothing done about poverty, crime or poor schools. The continuous changing of policy would not stop with the new President.
From 1993-2001 President Bill Clinton pushed for the federal government to have a strong role in cities. Through his empowerment zone program millions of dollars were given to cities in need. In 1994 the Crime Bill was passed which helped reduce violent crime and improve policing standards. The Welfare Reform was also passed which drastically helped improve the number of people receiving welfare.
Parties and policies would again be switched with President George W. Bush. He ran his administration off what he called compassionate conservatism. He wanted educational reform which led to the No Child Left Behind Act. He will be known for the War on Terrorism which led to local money being spent to increase security. Bush left his office with the nation in a huge recession. Critics say that he was more worried about personal empowerment than urban renewal (Text, pg. 356.)
President Obama will be the first president in over 20 years that has focused on urban affairs and its importance to the American economy. The goal of Obama and his chief urban advisor Valerie Jarrett is to take federal urban policy and evolve it from being about dealing with the poor to being about developing cities and regions that will make America stronger (Greenblatt 2009). Obama is focusing on urban policy during his presidency and his main objective is to get regions working together and to have the upper and lower levels of government cooperating with one another. The President is quoted saying “We need to stop seeing our cities as the problem and start seeing them as the solution. Because strong cities are the building blocks of strong regions, and strong regions are essential for a strong America” (Greenblatt 2009). It is difficult to determine whether or not President Obama’s urban policies will succeed.
Although Obama and his administration have laid down the ground work for their urban policy, they have not yet provided many details about how immigration, transportation, criminal justice or poverty will be dealt with. This is not to say they are showing a lack of effort. They are currently researching and developing the best way to institute all the new changes of the reformulated executive branch. By looking at the past it makes it easier to evaluate the possibilities of this new plan working. Over the past 50 years there has been a shuffling of Democratic and Republican presidents and they have all had their own ideas on how the nation should be ran. Some of the ideas and policies were a temporary success where as others were not.
From Johnson and the Great Society, Nixon and New Federalism, Carter and the New Partnership, Clinton and his empowerment zone program to Bush and the War on Terrorism, many different policies have been implemented. Generally all of these efforts, if successful, were only temporary successes. All the federal programs put in to place by the different administrations that still exist are run independently of one another so it is questionable as to whether or not one united urban policy will be able to tie them all together to have a beneficial payoff. This is what the critics of Obama’s urban policy argue.
Due to the fact that he is basing this new policy on helping to rejuvenate the cities it is easy to say that yes, these plans will benefit cities and their residents. America will have more jobs. The millions of people who have lost their job due to the recession will gain them back. Cities will be improved which will draw more residents into the area, boosting revenue. Roads will be improved as will neighborhoods and schools and crime rates will have the potential to decrease. All of these things will happen because for once the executive branch will be focusing at the heart of this nation, where all the main problems are exhibited. Obama ensures that The Office of Urban Affairs will work with federal agencies to make sure that all federal money is targeted towards the highest impact programs. The President states that he is going to focus attention on the long over looked urban areas where 80 per cent of Americans live and work (City Mayors Metro News 2009).
If overtime Obama’s plan is a success then the economy will have a huge boost and slowly yet surely America will remove itself from the recession that it was left in by the former President Bush. This is the ideal situation. If Obama can achieve his goal and get mayors and cities to work together to do what is better for the group as a whole than his urban policy will be a success. No President in the last 50 years has tried this approach so it will be interesting to see the end result and whether it will withstand the tests of time. There will always be those in power who oppose executive decisions and are not willing to cooperate. There are also those who think that it is time something is done to uplift America’s economy, whether they are Republican or Democrat. A republican congress man, Roy Blunt says that “A stimulus plan that makes sense is something that I will be helpful with” (Favro 2008). Even though past presidential attempts to repair the economy have not succeeded as planned, that is no reason to give up hope. President Barrack Obama has instilled hope into American cities and his plans are something he will follow through with, no matter how hard the opposition is. No matter how much he is criticized, Obama will take the proper measures to set up a successful urban policy that is critical to the success of America.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

a thread.

That's what I'm holding onto. I'm really trying to be strong and not stress over all this but I can't help but feel awful. I can't handle anything that's going on right now. Calling it quits seems so much easier than going on. I cannot handle school at all. I've been on overload lately and I am behind in all my classes and I am afraid to see how this semester will turn out. Not good I know. I am beginning to think I will never be anything in life and thats a huge pill to swallow. I am rethinking this whole law thing. I'm just not good enough. I think I could be but there is just too much going on right now. I'm not focused.. I can't be. It's not by choice, I do try. I don't want to flat out quit school. But I need to find out what I'm going to do. I'm a Junior, its too late to be changing my mind. I think I want to be a teacher but then I'm not sure how good I would be at that. I would love to be a highschool english teacher, I should look into it but I just dont know. I dont know what to do with school.
And this week I found out my ex-boyfriend from highschool killed himself. We were still friends and everything so its been kinda rough for me. I just wish I could have been there for him. Like I had no idea what was going on. We weren't real close or anything but I cant help but feel extremely guilty. Like I know it wasn't my fault but I feel like I.. I dont know. I just cant believe hes gone. He was only 21 and thats just too young. Thats just sooo much life left. It hurts like hell and I cant fathom what his parents have to be going through.
I feel real alone. I know I have friends, but its no one I care to talk to about my problems.. No one I feel like I can really trust. Its hard to have all this pent up emotions and feelings. My only way to express them is through writing and drawing. I need to write a book. Maybe it could help somebody some day. Who knows. Its hard to be alone.. especially when there is so much going on. Going from day to day is a constant struggle and no one really knows it. This blog has even become more personal than I ever intended.. but I have to do something about it. It makes me feel slightly more at ease even just to write this. It does hurt and the tears suck but at least its coming out in some form of expression rather than being held in. Tomorrow I am calling the doctor... I have to do it.
Now, I can really understand how people become addicted to drugs. And this sounds awful on my part, I know. I could never ever do drugs. But I understand where people are coming from. They just want something, anything, to make the pain go away. To distance themselves from reality. To make it seem like all their problems are gone. Keyword... seem. They are still there and after taking drugs there will no doubt be more problems.. but for the time being.. if even just for a few hours.. the pain is gone and everything is okay.
I have got to hang on. Seriously... everything I have is depending on it. I can't quit, I have to keep going on with my life. One day I know everything won't seem so bad. At this moment in time, how its felt for the last weeks, I can't make it another day. I cannot let myself fall into that.

Monday, February 16, 2009

a little better.

So, things have been better. I'm staying at my mums now until we find me a place.. this whole thing is one giant headache. School is not a stress-mess right now because all the tests and papers for the first quarter are said and done with. That is a huge weight off my back. I've been going out more with my friends now that I'm single which is refreshing for a chance. I got my raise at work so I'll have just a tad bit more money, which I need to be saving!
Also, very niceee, I had a good valentines day after all =] I really didn't think it would be good at all. I'm not a fan of Valentines day. Either you are alone and have no one to spend it with or you have someone and are unsure of what to get them. I thought I was going to be alone but I was wrong. I went out to eat with someone which was nice considering I've known him for a good while now and we've never done that. We always just grab fast-nasty food and take it back to his house. So it was new. I'm so shy sometimes it amazes me really. After we went back here to me mums and watched Robin Hood, haha. I love Disney though! Dad also brought me a rose and a card, wasnt expecting that one considering he hasn't spoken to me in over a month. I was hesitant to call and thank him for it but I finally got up the nerve and called. He was actually nice to me for once and acted like nothing ever happened. So I suppose that is a good thing.
Its not so bad here with the Mum. She cooks alot and shes helping me learn to actually eat good. I now like Spinach and Tuna! But that isnt enough to keep me here. I want... haveee to have a place of my own. I want responsibility and freedom. I had it once and I want it back. Hopefully I will be outta here soon and I can give my things a home and stop having to live out of boxes.
Whatta relief that will be!
And I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac now... so that makes me happy too!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Just Not Today.

So I was on myspace and they have friend updates so you can see when your friend upload new things and such. I like country music but haven't been keeping up with it lately. Well one of my friends added a new song onto their profile and it was Kenny Chesney, whom I absolutely love. It was a song I haven't heard yet so I clicked on it to listen. I think everything happens for a reason and this song came to me at the perfect time. I know that sounds weird, but I believe it. The song is called Just Not Today. This is the part that really means something to me:

But one of these days
Where going to have to grow up and get real jobs
And be adults, some day, but not today
Have to worry about things out of our control
Like kids, love, money and getting old someday
Just not today, just not today.

Ive been stressing out alot lately. Trying to balance real life and growing up and I've been feeling like I'm stuck in the middle and don't know which way to go. I'm not ready to grow up and take on adult responsibilities but at the same time I've never been more ready. When I analyze myself and look at my thought process I've begun to see that maybe I'm getting this all wrong. I feel like I'm still in a teenage phase and I need to grow up. This is infact true, but at the same time not. I am in transition in my life and its really important that I am able to deal with it in the best way I can. So while I'm growing up and obtaining all these new responsibilities I have to learn to not loose the child inside. Yea, I am studying Law at the university. Yea, I'm moving out and will have my own place with my own bills. Yea, I have a fulltime job. But I cannot forget the fact that I like to dance and watch cartoons and that I like to color and draw pictures. I cannot loose who I am just because I have to grow up. I also cannot forget to make time for all those things that I have always and will always love to do.
So... I am glad that I stumbled across that song. Now I have to not worry about having to pick, I can be both an adult and a child and I believe I'm fortunate to realize that because too often adults forget about the childs soul they have on the inside.
=]

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Icestorm 2009.


The past week or more has been sooo crazy. Louisville got hit with a huge ice storm and everything was closed for days, there was

no way I was leaving the house! Tons of people lost power, we were lucky to only of lost it for a few hours and in that time we used the fire place to keep warm. So the lights went out in the middle of the day and I woke up at 430am to all the lights in the house coming on. Although it was a rude awakening I was happy because we were more fortunate than others. It was nice to have a week off from school and a few days off from work! That is a picture of my reading a book by candle light and eating peanut butter and crackers. Also, because our fridge went out we set the milk out on the back porch in the snow to keep cold! But now schools back in session =[ and work is normal and everyones power is back on. But now theres still trees down everywhere but its been warm lately so people have been out cutting them down and setting them out on the corner for someone or the govt to pick up. It will take forever until it is all cleaned up.
the tree was so icy it was beautiful through the street light.

Monday, February 2, 2009

cant

quit crying.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Down and out.

"Always up or down, never down and out"
but not so much this time. I really feel down and out. I haven't felt this aweful in a really long time. We're talking years here people.
Nothing seems to be right and I feel like the world is turning and I am just sitting here. I feel like nothing. I don't know why or how it got to be this way. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and asking her to put me back on my medications. I don't trust myself. I haven't been able to eat lately and I feel sick all the time. I've been dropping weight, my pants are all not fitting or are looser than before. I always feel like I'm 2 seconds away from having a break down. I can constantly feel tears welling up in my eyes and its so hard to fight it back. I am honestly miserable. I don't want to do anything I just want to stay to myself. I am stressing over everything including school. I just want to quit. I really really do but then at the same time I don't. I am a Junior and I have made it this far. I CANNOT stop now. I have not spent the last three years of my life studying and writing papers and hiking across campus in the heat and the snow and the rain for nothing. I want to just throw my hands up and be done with it. I just cannot settle for that. I don't want to be a nobody. I don't want to work at a job I'm miserable at for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to settle for sucky pay. I don't want to live like that. Therefore I know that the show must go on. Its so tiring. It is so hard to put up this front. To smile and pretend happy just for everyone else when on the inside you are a wreck.
I just don't want to wake up in the morning. There are only a few things that are keeping me alive right now. My mother, she is the best. My cats, I am sooo thankful for them. I do admit sometimes they get on my nerves but that is with every "parent" and their "kids". I think alot about everything. And I think about Calee alot. I am really the ONLY person she will let pet her. She gets so excited to see me and she loves to lay on me and snuzzle her nose under my chin and sleep, its quite cute. But I just think, what would she do without me. I've had her for 6 or 7 years now, I'm sure I am all she remembers or knows. If something were to happen to me she would have no one, she would be so lost and she wouldnt understand whats happened. I really think about that alot. I love her to death and she is the main thing that keeps me going. One of the only other things that keeps the breath in me is hope. The hope of a new day. The hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that things are going to get better and in the end everything just might, maybeee be okay. I have hope, just right now its hard to see through all this fog. I just want everything to be okay. I want school to be over with and I wish it were this summer so I wouldnt have to worry about school or how cold it is outside. Alls I would have to do is go to work.
I want to get away. Away from all these people. Away from this lame house. Away from this city, if even just for a little. I just want to goooo. That is all I really need.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

On the bright side.

Wait, is there a bright side?
Im still stuck with living at home for the time being which is not good. I am spending ridiculous amounts of money driving back and forth to where I need to be and where I would rather be. My cats have been driving me crazy. I haven't been able to be home lately because I've been so busy with school. But uhhh anyways! So when I am home all three cats are following me about and meowing at me and walking across the keyboard or sitting in front of my screen which is the current dilemma. It wouldn't be so much of a problem if I didnt still live here though because I would be able to have friends over to myyy place and in turn would be there more often.
Heres a bright side: I just got a raise at work and am officially Supervisor even though thats the job I've been doing for the past few months. Atleast now I have the 'title' and a better paycheck. They also are giving me more hours which is a great thing but at the same time is putting alot of strain on my studies. But that is life and I'm grown and its time to take care of responsibilities and not act like a child.
It can be hard to take on all these responsibilities. Not because its more work but because there is a lot of pressure from the outside, as in friends who are not grown and have little to no responsibilities. I'm trying extremely hard to not fall behind in studies and get distracted with minute things that do not matter. Its strange because a lot of the people I hang out with have no idea what my life is like. I go to school fulltime and I work nearly full time. That is alot more than a lot of people can say. So I wake up early in the morning and go to school. I come home for 2 hours and turn around and go to work and Im there for generally 7 hours. Then I get off late at night and theres about 2 hours I have until midnight, which is when I typically try and fall asleep. So the few hours I'm home during the day, both in between school and work and after work I am studying or reading for school. My life is dull and boring during the week. Throughout the week not only am I running around like a goose with my head cut off but I have constant txtmsgs from people asking me "whats up?" and "lets do something tonight". I won't lie, it is very tempting. I try so hard not to fall into it but then I always feel guilty like I'm letting my friends down. Which I know I shouldn't feel so bad but I do. They just really have no clue what its like to work as hard as I do at both school and work. So I'm starting to learn how to balance everything out. I suppose there just used to the Blaire of the summer who does something every night because I don't have to worry about school in the summer. That might also change this summer because I might consider taking atleast one summer class, which I don't think would be so bad. Whooo, that was a lot of ramble.


I recognize that this is an altogether off the wall thought but I just don't want to let anyone down.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

She just can't quit smiling.

Well today was okay... at first. Then it turned out to be GREAT.
I was bummed cause after I got out of class I had a small break then I had to go to work.. that was no fun. While I am working I get a txt msg from me mum! She tells me that the guy selling the house we were looking at accepted our offer!!!!!!!!!
Whoa, I cannot believe this happened so soon. I was beginning to think it wasn't going to work out. I guess I was just trying not to get my hopes up too too high. So now we have to go through all of these things such as a general inspection and a termite inspection and some other things. She said that it would maybe take about three weeks to close. I am soooo excited I cannot believe I'm going to have a house, thats mine! So hopefully everything goes over well. I'm pretty sure I have a roomate, I just hope they don't flake out on me.

So we shall see how every thing goes =]

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

anxious.

AHHHHHHH. I can't believe today actually happened.
My Mum and I have been looking for houses to buy for me and we found one. She was going back in forth as to whether or not she was going to put an offer on it or not. Well she sent me a txt today and said she did! It will apparently take a week to hear whether or not the seller will accept. This is going to be the longest week ever! I really hope it happens because I'm tired of always getting my hopes up for absolutely nothing. Its a small house down close to UofL so I won't have to go far to school. Its two bedrooms one bath and all new everything. The seller bought it as a piece of junk and he flipped it, so it looks really nice. It's so stinking cute. I am also happy because it comes with a new washer, dryer, fridge, dishwasher, stove and microwave!
I'm really trying to not get my hopes set on it incase we dont get it.. but its hard because it only seems perfect. =]

but on another note... not such a good one, my ex will not leave me alone. Everyday he sends me txt messages and I never once have written back yet they still keep coming. Does he not get the picture that I don't want to talk to him and I simply want him out of my life? He is like the crazy stalker ex-boyfriend you see in movies, for example Woogi, in Theres Something about Mary. Scary and creepy. (['pp;;; <---aweee look, Abu wanted to say hi!) But anyways, now that Abu has spoken his peace, I really dont know what to do about him. I want to block his phone number so he can't contact me but I dont know how to go about doing that. Also, today when I got home from work I checked my myspace and he wrote me a message threatening me. I can't take this. He has lost his mind seriously and I do not trust him. Like I've said before, if its not one thing than its another... I just hope that this will all blow over soon.

But, I need to go study.... since I'm a big Junior and all!!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

why i wake up in the morning.

Sometimes I just don't care anymore.
Sometimes I just want to quit everything I'm doing.
When I'm like this there isn't much that makes me smile.
Everyone will always bail on you, even if they say they wont, they will.
Thats why I am thankful I have three kiddos that I call my own.
They are always there for me and they know when somethings wrong. I love them.
Introducing my first born: Calee, six years ago I found her at church and I asked my folks if I could take her home (her and her liter were dropped off/abandoned in the church parking lot), and of course they said no. So during the service I took her upstairs to the youth room and after service and after my parents drove home i shoved her in my purse and walked home. I snuck her in and kept her in my closet three days before I told my parents about her. I begged them to let me keep her and they did as long as I paid for everything, which I have. Shes beautiful to me.

She can be quite charming.



My second born: Strider. I am a complete nerd and I named him after Lord Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series. He will be two years old in April. Heres his story... My friend Katie found a litter of 4 baby kittens and they were all like a week old. She had them at her house and since they were so young, eyes not opened or anything, they had to be bottle fed every two hours. She had school and work and wasn't able to take care of them. So.... I brought them home one day. I was supposed to find homes for all of them but "no one would take him". Ha. He is a spoiled brat and thinks he is human. He really thinks I am his mother because thats all hes ever know. Everyday when I come home he is waiting at the door for me and he has to be picked up. He is perfectly content sitting on my shoulder for hours on end.




The newest addition: Abu. He was a christmas present from a friend. He is named after the cute little monkey from Aladdin. He is so friendly and loving yet always up to something. Him and Strider have become very close friends and they love to chase each other around and tackle one another. He is only about a year old. Nearly every night he cuddles with me. He can't just lay next to me... he has to always be touching me. I think its a comfort thing. I have only had him since christmas and he is already a part of the family, I am thankful for this addition.



Abu and Strider napping after many chases up and down the stairs.



The whole gang.




Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Grin and bare it..

Well I moved out of the house I was living in with three friends because it all went to hell in a handbag. I still love the two guys I was rooming with but the girl... that is a different story. I now dislike her with a passion.. needless to say living together ruined our friendship. Granted she wasnt a very close friend or anything. I tried to get an apartment with my roomate Shaun but he wasn't able to get a co-signer. I didn't want to have to pay another monthsrent to live in a house I was miserable in... so I have sucked it up and am back home with my dad. Ugh.
My mother is my hero. She always has my back (for the most part), and she is completely supportive. I honestly really do not know what I would do with out her. She has completely stepped up. I guess all of this makes up for the years we didn't speak to each other, which I do in fact regret tremendously.
We've talked about it before but nothing has really came of it yet. My mum is going to buy me a house.. wellll not completely buy me a house. She is paying for it and I am going to pay like rent and eventually one day it will be mine. I do believe she wins the mother of the year award. We have been looking online and driving around and she has been approved at the bank and shes been talking with different realtors. I cannot believe this is actually going to happen =].
At the house I was living in I hated it. Every day I would come home from work and there would be people in my living room on my furniture. Its like they were there everyyyday and would not leave. And every weekend it seemed we were having a 'party' and it wasnt even my friends and some how I always ended up cleaning up. People would come over who I could not stand being around so I would just be a recluse in my room. Needless to say, it got old really quick. So it is a relief to be out of there. But this house is going to be mineeee, and I make the rules and I decide what happens when and who can come over. And there will be no smoking in the house... which is a dreadful habit anyways.
So now hear I am just waiting. Being here at the fathers house is not a blast... not even close to fun. They just annoy me. So I need to 'grin and bare it'. Hopefully this house thing happens fast because I really do not know how much longer I will be able to handle living in this house. AND I am so sick of people questioning me on why I want to live on my own when "you have it so good at home"... well listen here friend, YOU live here for a month and tell me whether you like it or not. Half the time I feel like I want to either kill them or myself. It is not fun.
Looks like I'll just have to wait it out and hope for a new home soon.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New year, same stress.

Hello 2009.
Hopefully this year might be better, odds are...this is wishful thinking.

Right off the bat I am going back to school in three days. Joy.
So I log on to ULink, UofL's student site, to check and see which classes I am taking and when. I figured while I was at it I would check and see what books I am going to be purchasing in the immediate future. WHOAAAAAAA. Get a load of this:

Microeconomics Book 1 = $102.00
Microeconomics Book 2 = $104.50
Theoretical Criminology = $59.95
Role Playing..Decision Making (Urban Politics & Gov't) = $45.75
Political Change in the Metropolis = $67.50
Democratic Constitution = $26.25
American Constitutional Law = $64.25
TOTAL =======470.20

Now I would love if someone can tell me where on earth am I going to stumble across this much money, cause lord knows I dont have it. All of these prices are also used... not even new. I've searched Amazon, none cheaper. I've even searched CraigsList, no luck. Asked the parentals, that was a hell no. Searched online Scholarships, barely eligible for any of them. I suppose I'll have to see what the Mum will say.
I need to set up a 'Blaire needs books badly' fund.

I am baffled. Not only is tuition rising for bullshit hidden reasons, but the price of books is insanely ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. How do they expect anyone to graduate. It flat out stinks. My parents make just barelyyy enough money so that the gov't wont do anything to help yet they dont make enough to pay for all of it. Our gov't sucks.

But this leads me to a different subject...
At school you have to fill out your FAFSFA. Which is all your parents financial information and blah blah blah. This is what they look at to judge whether you will recieve any financial grants. On my FAFSFA they look at both my mother and my fathers income. So I never recieve any gov't aid because my parents make 'just enough'. Excuse me but I think this is all BULLSHIT. I dont even see why they take into account my father because he doesn't do shit for me when it comes to school. He never once has helped me pay for books. Never once helped with any tuition money. And hes all about "I'm so proud of you," "Can't wait for you to graduate"... well if I drop out he cant say a damn thing cause the only way he's supporting me is verbally and that don't pay the bills. How in the world am I supposed to take these courses and do good in them if I cannot even afford to buy the freakin' books?????

So basically I have a week at the most to come up with close to five-hundred dollars. I guess I'm going to have to get a job at Deja Vu.
Or maybe I'll just settle with standing on the corner.