cold.

I really don't like the cold weather, it makes me sad and makes me think about a lot of nonsense. I hate it when I think too much about something because I tend to kinda get myself all bummed out. I stress about a lot of unnecessary things that I shouldn't even be worrying about in the first place. I am just completely ready for this semester to be over and have a little break from school. I completely hate my job and I don't really know. I just need a break. I need to get a way for a while like go somewhere away from friends and family and the stresses of the world. I just want to be completely happy. I can honestly say I haven't been that way in longer than I can remember. Things are good now but they could be better. I know that that is just a part of life and I need to get used to it. But I can honestly say I miss the days when I had nothing to worry about. I went to school came home and hung out. I didn't have to go to work everyday I didn't really have homework to do and things were just good. Summers seemed soooo long, I would almost do anything to have my childhood days back. Summers were incredibly fun then. I miss it.
My first love. Waking up early, staying out late. Swimming all day long with no worries. Going to the lake every weekend... Sigh.
If I could turn back time I surely would. I do not know what that would achieve because if I turned back time I would still have to grow up again. I would still go through all the pain and heartbreak that I've already gone through. Lord knows I don't want to put myself through all that over again. NO.
I'm unsure of many things right now. I realize I am completely rambling and keep saying "I" but my heart feels really heavy and I'm not sure what to say or how to feel. I kinda want to cuddle up under some nice warm fuzzy covers and lay there and listen to pretty music. Imogen Heap, that would be nice right now.

I don't want to be adored, I want to be loved.

I want to be treated right. I want to be treated like I matter to someone. I want to feel like I'm actually wanted. I want to know that I matter to someone, like really matter. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without me. Like my dad and my mom and my sister and my friends. What if I died tomorrow, who would really care. Sometimes I feel like no one would but I would like to think that I am wrong. But before I completely get off my main objective of this entry...
I don't see how you can be with someone and they claim that they love you more than anyone yet they treat you like absolute crap. How does that happen?
I've only been with my boyfriend B for like four months which I know isn't a long time. But he says me loves me and I tell him I do but I honestly don't, it seems more forced than anything. Don't get me wrong, I do care about him. Love is just a completely different level that I'm not ready to be on. I've been hurt too much in the past. But B says he loves me more than anyone besides those in his family. I want to believe him and I want it to be true, he just makes it hard. We fight a lot and he's always mean to me and talks to me like I'm dumb. Yesterday he was acting really weird so I asked him what was wrong and he kept telling me nothing. Finally he was like I don't know Blaire, your personality is just getting on my nerves today.... How are you supposed to respond to something like that? What are you supposed to say when someone says something like that to you? Good Question. So I said nothing further. It was so rude for him to say that, It really made me feel bad. Then again today we were talking on the phone about somethings and I was telling him about how I'm tired of him being mean to me all the time and talking to me like dirt. He then had the nerve to tell me that everything he says to me he thinks about it before he says it and most the time he says things to hurt my feelings. He told me that when he's being a dick to me he does it on purpose, and when he talks down to me he's trying to make me upset and hurt me. That was a complete shock. Once again, how is someone in their right mind supposed to respond to that. So I sat and said nothing.
I know after all the things I've done in my short twenty years of living, I don't deserve the best, but damnit, I think I sure as hell deserve better than that. Just sayin.
Everytime we have an argument I always forgive him. A week or so ago we broke up and I swore I was done with him. Yet for some reason I am giving him chance after chance in the hopes that it will actually work out. I don't know who I'm trying to fool. I just want to be happy.
I'm tired of all these regrets. I don't want this to be another one.

its been a while.

Throughout the last year I have been completely consumed with life, nearly forgetting about this blog. But I'm back! My life is so hectic that I cannot keep anything straight.
Through all of the things I'm dealing with when it comes to school and work I try to keep up with politics and everything that is going on in the news. I am thrilled and feel it is a privilege to have taken part in a history changing election. Last night Senator Barack Obama won the Presidential Election. Although I am not black I feel a sense of pride for our country more than I ever have before. To think that we have come this far, I voted for him and I hoped he would win but I was unsure. But when I heard the results last night on the news it all seemed so real. Driving to class this morning I was still taking it all in, the reality of all of it, and I caught myself on the verge of tears. I am overwhelmed with the fact that my new president is a black man and blue is finally back in the white house.
Today is sincerely a great day to be an American.