I want to be treated right. I want to be treated like I matter to someone. I want to feel like I'm actually wanted. I want to know that I matter to someone, like really matter. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without me. Like my dad and my mom and my sister and my friends. What if I died tomorrow, who would really care. Sometimes I feel like no one would but I would like to think that I am wrong. But before I completely get off my main objective of this entry...
I don't see how you can be with someone and they claim that they love you more than anyone yet they treat you like absolute crap. How does that happen?
I've only been with my boyfriend B for like four months which I know isn't a long time. But he says me loves me and I tell him I do but I honestly don't, it seems more forced than anything. Don't get me wrong, I do care about him. Love is just a completely different level that I'm not ready to be on. I've been hurt too much in the past. But B says he loves me more than anyone besides those in his family. I want to believe him and I want it to be true, he just makes it hard. We fight a lot and he's always mean to me and talks to me like I'm dumb. Yesterday he was acting really weird so I asked him what was wrong and he kept telling me nothing. Finally he was like I don't know Blaire, your personality is just getting on my nerves today.... How are you supposed to respond to something like that? What are you supposed to say when someone says something like that to you? Good Question. So I said nothing further. It was so rude for him to say that, It really made me feel bad. Then again today we were talking on the phone about somethings and I was telling him about how I'm tired of him being mean to me all the time and talking to me like dirt. He then had the nerve to tell me that everything he says to me he thinks about it before he says it and most the time he says things to hurt my feelings. He told me that when he's being a dick to me he does it on purpose, and when he talks down to me he's trying to make me upset and hurt me. That was a complete shock. Once again, how is someone in their right mind supposed to respond to that. So I sat and said nothing.
I know after all the things I've done in my short twenty years of living, I don't deserve the best, but damnit, I think I sure as hell deserve better than that. Just sayin.
Everytime we have an argument I always forgive him. A week or so ago we broke up and I swore I was done with him. Yet for some reason I am giving him chance after chance in the hopes that it will actually work out. I don't know who I'm trying to fool. I just want to be happy.
I'm tired of all these regrets. I don't want this to be another one.
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