So, things have been better. I'm staying at my mums now until we find me a place.. this whole thing is one giant headache. School is not a stress-mess right now because all the tests and papers for the first quarter are said and done with. That is a huge weight off my back. I've been going out more with my friends now that I'm single which is refreshing for a chance. I got my raise at work so I'll have just a tad bit more money, which I need to be saving!
Also, very niceee, I had a good valentines day after all =] I really didn't think it would be good at all. I'm not a fan of Valentines day. Either you are alone and have no one to spend it with or you have someone and are unsure of what to get them. I thought I was going to be alone but I was wrong. I went out to eat with someone which was nice considering I've known him for a good while now and we've never done that. We always just grab fast-nasty food and take it back to his house. So it was new. I'm so shy sometimes it amazes me really. After we went back here to me mums and watched Robin Hood, haha. I love Disney though! Dad also brought me a rose and a card, wasnt expecting that one considering he hasn't spoken to me in over a month. I was hesitant to call and thank him for it but I finally got up the nerve and called. He was actually nice to me for once and acted like nothing ever happened. So I suppose that is a good thing.
Its not so bad here with the Mum. She cooks alot and shes helping me learn to actually eat good. I now like Spinach and Tuna! But that isnt enough to keep me here. I want... haveee to have a place of my own. I want responsibility and freedom. I had it once and I want it back. Hopefully I will be outta here soon and I can give my things a home and stop having to live out of boxes.
Whatta relief that will be!
And I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac now... so that makes me happy too!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Just Not Today.
So I was on myspace and they have friend updates so you can see when your friend upload new things and such. I like country music but haven't been keeping up with it lately. Well one of my friends added a new song onto their profile and it was Kenny Chesney, whom I absolutely love. It was a song I haven't heard yet so I clicked on it to listen. I think everything happens for a reason and this song came to me at the perfect time. I know that sounds weird, but I believe it. The song is called Just Not Today. This is the part that really means something to me:
But one of these days
Where going to have to grow up and get real jobs
And be adults, some day, but not today
Have to worry about things out of our control
Like kids, love, money and getting old someday
Just not today, just not today.
Where going to have to grow up and get real jobs
And be adults, some day, but not today
Have to worry about things out of our control
Like kids, love, money and getting old someday
Just not today, just not today.
Ive been stressing out alot lately. Trying to balance real life and growing up and I've been feeling like I'm stuck in the middle and don't know which way to go. I'm not ready to grow up and take on adult responsibilities but at the same time I've never been more ready. When I analyze myself and look at my thought process I've begun to see that maybe I'm getting this all wrong. I feel like I'm still in a teenage phase and I need to grow up. This is infact true, but at the same time not. I am in transition in my life and its really important that I am able to deal with it in the best way I can. So while I'm growing up and obtaining all these new responsibilities I have to learn to not loose the child inside. Yea, I am studying Law at the university. Yea, I'm moving out and will have my own place with my own bills. Yea, I have a fulltime job. But I cannot forget the fact that I like to dance and watch cartoons and that I like to color and draw pictures. I cannot loose who I am just because I have to grow up. I also cannot forget to make time for all those things that I have always and will always love to do.
So... I am glad that I stumbled across that song. Now I have to not worry about having to pick, I can be both an adult and a child and I believe I'm fortunate to realize that because too often adults forget about the childs soul they have on the inside.
=]
So... I am glad that I stumbled across that song. Now I have to not worry about having to pick, I can be both an adult and a child and I believe I'm fortunate to realize that because too often adults forget about the childs soul they have on the inside.
=]
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Icestorm 2009.
The past week or more has been sooo crazy. Louisville got hit with a huge ice storm and everything was closed for days, there was
no way I was leaving the house! Tons of people lost power, we were lucky to only of lost it for a few hours and in that time we used the fire place to keep warm. So the lights went out in the middle of the day and I woke up at 430am to all the lights in the house coming on. Although it was a rude awakening I was happy because we were more fortunate than others. It was nice to have a week off from school and a few days off from work! That is a picture of my reading a book by candle light and eating peanut butter and crackers. Also, because our fridge went out we set the milk out on the back porch in the snow to keep cold! But now schools back in session =[ and work is normal and everyones power is back on. But now theres still trees down everywhere but its been warm lately so people have been out cutting them down and setting them out on the corner for someone or the govt to pick up. It will take forever until it is all cleaned up.
the tree was so icy it was beautiful through the street light.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Down and out.
"Always up or down, never down and out"
but not so much this time. I really feel down and out. I haven't felt this aweful in a really long time. We're talking years here people.
Nothing seems to be right and I feel like the world is turning and I am just sitting here. I feel like nothing. I don't know why or how it got to be this way. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and asking her to put me back on my medications. I don't trust myself. I haven't been able to eat lately and I feel sick all the time. I've been dropping weight, my pants are all not fitting or are looser than before. I always feel like I'm 2 seconds away from having a break down. I can constantly feel tears welling up in my eyes and its so hard to fight it back. I am honestly miserable. I don't want to do anything I just want to stay to myself. I am stressing over everything including school. I just want to quit. I really really do but then at the same time I don't. I am a Junior and I have made it this far. I CANNOT stop now. I have not spent the last three years of my life studying and writing papers and hiking across campus in the heat and the snow and the rain for nothing. I want to just throw my hands up and be done with it. I just cannot settle for that. I don't want to be a nobody. I don't want to work at a job I'm miserable at for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to settle for sucky pay. I don't want to live like that. Therefore I know that the show must go on. Its so tiring. It is so hard to put up this front. To smile and pretend happy just for everyone else when on the inside you are a wreck.
I just don't want to wake up in the morning. There are only a few things that are keeping me alive right now. My mother, she is the best. My cats, I am sooo thankful for them. I do admit sometimes they get on my nerves but that is with every "parent" and their "kids". I think alot about everything. And I think about Calee alot. I am really the ONLY person she will let pet her. She gets so excited to see me and she loves to lay on me and snuzzle her nose under my chin and sleep, its quite cute. But I just think, what would she do without me. I've had her for 6 or 7 years now, I'm sure I am all she remembers or knows. If something were to happen to me she would have no one, she would be so lost and she wouldnt understand whats happened. I really think about that alot. I love her to death and she is the main thing that keeps me going. One of the only other things that keeps the breath in me is hope. The hope of a new day. The hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that things are going to get better and in the end everything just might, maybeee be okay. I have hope, just right now its hard to see through all this fog. I just want everything to be okay. I want school to be over with and I wish it were this summer so I wouldnt have to worry about school or how cold it is outside. Alls I would have to do is go to work.
I want to get away. Away from all these people. Away from this lame house. Away from this city, if even just for a little. I just want to goooo. That is all I really need.
but not so much this time. I really feel down and out. I haven't felt this aweful in a really long time. We're talking years here people.
Nothing seems to be right and I feel like the world is turning and I am just sitting here. I feel like nothing. I don't know why or how it got to be this way. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and asking her to put me back on my medications. I don't trust myself. I haven't been able to eat lately and I feel sick all the time. I've been dropping weight, my pants are all not fitting or are looser than before. I always feel like I'm 2 seconds away from having a break down. I can constantly feel tears welling up in my eyes and its so hard to fight it back. I am honestly miserable. I don't want to do anything I just want to stay to myself. I am stressing over everything including school. I just want to quit. I really really do but then at the same time I don't. I am a Junior and I have made it this far. I CANNOT stop now. I have not spent the last three years of my life studying and writing papers and hiking across campus in the heat and the snow and the rain for nothing. I want to just throw my hands up and be done with it. I just cannot settle for that. I don't want to be a nobody. I don't want to work at a job I'm miserable at for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to settle for sucky pay. I don't want to live like that. Therefore I know that the show must go on. Its so tiring. It is so hard to put up this front. To smile and pretend happy just for everyone else when on the inside you are a wreck.
I just don't want to wake up in the morning. There are only a few things that are keeping me alive right now. My mother, she is the best. My cats, I am sooo thankful for them. I do admit sometimes they get on my nerves but that is with every "parent" and their "kids". I think alot about everything. And I think about Calee alot. I am really the ONLY person she will let pet her. She gets so excited to see me and she loves to lay on me and snuzzle her nose under my chin and sleep, its quite cute. But I just think, what would she do without me. I've had her for 6 or 7 years now, I'm sure I am all she remembers or knows. If something were to happen to me she would have no one, she would be so lost and she wouldnt understand whats happened. I really think about that alot. I love her to death and she is the main thing that keeps me going. One of the only other things that keeps the breath in me is hope. The hope of a new day. The hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that things are going to get better and in the end everything just might, maybeee be okay. I have hope, just right now its hard to see through all this fog. I just want everything to be okay. I want school to be over with and I wish it were this summer so I wouldnt have to worry about school or how cold it is outside. Alls I would have to do is go to work.
I want to get away. Away from all these people. Away from this lame house. Away from this city, if even just for a little. I just want to goooo. That is all I really need.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
