Down and out.

"Always up or down, never down and out"
but not so much this time. I really feel down and out. I haven't felt this aweful in a really long time. We're talking years here people.
Nothing seems to be right and I feel like the world is turning and I am just sitting here. I feel like nothing. I don't know why or how it got to be this way. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and asking her to put me back on my medications. I don't trust myself. I haven't been able to eat lately and I feel sick all the time. I've been dropping weight, my pants are all not fitting or are looser than before. I always feel like I'm 2 seconds away from having a break down. I can constantly feel tears welling up in my eyes and its so hard to fight it back. I am honestly miserable. I don't want to do anything I just want to stay to myself. I am stressing over everything including school. I just want to quit. I really really do but then at the same time I don't. I am a Junior and I have made it this far. I CANNOT stop now. I have not spent the last three years of my life studying and writing papers and hiking across campus in the heat and the snow and the rain for nothing. I want to just throw my hands up and be done with it. I just cannot settle for that. I don't want to be a nobody. I don't want to work at a job I'm miserable at for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to settle for sucky pay. I don't want to live like that. Therefore I know that the show must go on. Its so tiring. It is so hard to put up this front. To smile and pretend happy just for everyone else when on the inside you are a wreck.
I just don't want to wake up in the morning. There are only a few things that are keeping me alive right now. My mother, she is the best. My cats, I am sooo thankful for them. I do admit sometimes they get on my nerves but that is with every "parent" and their "kids". I think alot about everything. And I think about Calee alot. I am really the ONLY person she will let pet her. She gets so excited to see me and she loves to lay on me and snuzzle her nose under my chin and sleep, its quite cute. But I just think, what would she do without me. I've had her for 6 or 7 years now, I'm sure I am all she remembers or knows. If something were to happen to me she would have no one, she would be so lost and she wouldnt understand whats happened. I really think about that alot. I love her to death and she is the main thing that keeps me going. One of the only other things that keeps the breath in me is hope. The hope of a new day. The hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that things are going to get better and in the end everything just might, maybeee be okay. I have hope, just right now its hard to see through all this fog. I just want everything to be okay. I want school to be over with and I wish it were this summer so I wouldnt have to worry about school or how cold it is outside. Alls I would have to do is go to work.
I want to get away. Away from all these people. Away from this lame house. Away from this city, if even just for a little. I just want to goooo. That is all I really need.