Calling it quitssss.

Finally I got the nerve up to end it with that boy I was dating. It was a bad situation and I should have never gotten myself involved in the first place. He was without a doubt the meanest person I have ever met in my entire life. He would always do things to purposely hurt my feelings. I've never in my life been straight punched in my face by a guy. I've never had a guy threaten my life. And to think I put up with all of it hoping and wishing someday he would change. But the sayings true, you cant teach an old dog new tricks. I will never again in my life put myself in that situation where I am scared of my own boyfriend. Like I've always said, I know I don't deserve the best, but I do deserve better than that. My whole life I've always wondered how in the world abused women always go back to their lovers. But now I know. I see where they are coming from and because of that I am so much more understanding. This is another reason why I want to go into law and become a prosecuting attorney.. I want to help. Give back to the community for all the times I've been helped by those that love me.

Now that I broke up with him for good I feel so good. I feel like I can sleep okay at night knowing that everything IS going to be okay. I know what it is to truly fear someone that claims they love you, I never saw that one coming at all. I am very thankful for all my friends that are here for me to listen to me when I feel like I need to talk. They have my back and I could not be any luckier to have such great friends. I am sooo cheerful. I am ready for the holidays. I am ready for it to snow. I am ready to get my life back. I gave him all his stuff back so its doneeee. I want it to snow so I can go dance in it, that would make me thrilled.

I could go on and on about B and say how bad of a person he is but I'm not going to waste my time. He was going nowhere in life and was going to use me to fall back on, when he told me that I should have known right away. But its all said and done with and its the weekend and I'm ready to have some fun!

let it snow, we can make snow angels <3

you cant fence time.

And you cant stop love.

You know its true, you really cant help who you love. its not like you get to pick that kind of thing. It just kind of happens whether your ready or not. Whether you want to or not. You cant help it, you really cant. Your heart doesn't care what your head has to say, it does not consider its input under any and all circumstances. No matter how unlogical it is, your hearts going to do as it pleases.
The worst thing about loving someone you know you shouldn't is that the same feelings are not always returned. Friendship is one thing but love is a completely different level. How do you stop loving someone you never intended to love in the first place. Simple, you cant.

I hate being young. I hate having to deal with all the ambiguity of being a "child". Who knows whats going to happen today or tomorrow or next month or next year.. ten years from now.

All I can do right now is hope for a better day and deal with the current problems at hand.
I have many dreams and ambitions and I cannottt let these minor dilemmas hold me back from anything.

I hope its pretty tomorrow =]

Stressed.

The end of the semester is always the worst. I am just ready for it to be all said and done with. Next semester where are you??

I hate having to take finals and the worst semester of the whole year is the fall semester. Not only do you have to take all these tests (and I have to write a 25 page sociolinguistic profile) but you have to hike across campus in the freezing cold. This is no where near fun. I refuse to pay almost 90 dollars to park at the stadium and ride a tarc to and from class. So I park like a mile from my classes and walk. I am aware that it is good exercise but geez, it is damn near freezing. But if thats what i have to do to save that much money, then I will do it.
I can not wait for Spring 2009. Although I am not looking forward to taking Microeconomics, ew.
But not only am I stressed about school. I absolutely hate my job. They do not pay me enough for all the work I do. So I am looking for a new one, which is a task considering how aweful our economy is due to one of the worst Presidents our Nation has ever elected, which is a completly different bone to pick.
So now, not only is work cutting my hours, but I have rent to pay and complete bills and Christmas is less than a month away.
Shoot me now.

cold.

I really don't like the cold weather, it makes me sad and makes me think about a lot of nonsense. I hate it when I think too much about something because I tend to kinda get myself all bummed out. I stress about a lot of unnecessary things that I shouldn't even be worrying about in the first place. I am just completely ready for this semester to be over and have a little break from school. I completely hate my job and I don't really know. I just need a break. I need to get a way for a while like go somewhere away from friends and family and the stresses of the world. I just want to be completely happy. I can honestly say I haven't been that way in longer than I can remember. Things are good now but they could be better. I know that that is just a part of life and I need to get used to it. But I can honestly say I miss the days when I had nothing to worry about. I went to school came home and hung out. I didn't have to go to work everyday I didn't really have homework to do and things were just good. Summers seemed soooo long, I would almost do anything to have my childhood days back. Summers were incredibly fun then. I miss it.
My first love. Waking up early, staying out late. Swimming all day long with no worries. Going to the lake every weekend... Sigh.
If I could turn back time I surely would. I do not know what that would achieve because if I turned back time I would still have to grow up again. I would still go through all the pain and heartbreak that I've already gone through. Lord knows I don't want to put myself through all that over again. NO.
I'm unsure of many things right now. I realize I am completely rambling and keep saying "I" but my heart feels really heavy and I'm not sure what to say or how to feel. I kinda want to cuddle up under some nice warm fuzzy covers and lay there and listen to pretty music. Imogen Heap, that would be nice right now.

I don't want to be adored, I want to be loved.

I want to be treated right. I want to be treated like I matter to someone. I want to feel like I'm actually wanted. I want to know that I matter to someone, like really matter. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without me. Like my dad and my mom and my sister and my friends. What if I died tomorrow, who would really care. Sometimes I feel like no one would but I would like to think that I am wrong. But before I completely get off my main objective of this entry...
I don't see how you can be with someone and they claim that they love you more than anyone yet they treat you like absolute crap. How does that happen?
I've only been with my boyfriend B for like four months which I know isn't a long time. But he says me loves me and I tell him I do but I honestly don't, it seems more forced than anything. Don't get me wrong, I do care about him. Love is just a completely different level that I'm not ready to be on. I've been hurt too much in the past. But B says he loves me more than anyone besides those in his family. I want to believe him and I want it to be true, he just makes it hard. We fight a lot and he's always mean to me and talks to me like I'm dumb. Yesterday he was acting really weird so I asked him what was wrong and he kept telling me nothing. Finally he was like I don't know Blaire, your personality is just getting on my nerves today.... How are you supposed to respond to something like that? What are you supposed to say when someone says something like that to you? Good Question. So I said nothing further. It was so rude for him to say that, It really made me feel bad. Then again today we were talking on the phone about somethings and I was telling him about how I'm tired of him being mean to me all the time and talking to me like dirt. He then had the nerve to tell me that everything he says to me he thinks about it before he says it and most the time he says things to hurt my feelings. He told me that when he's being a dick to me he does it on purpose, and when he talks down to me he's trying to make me upset and hurt me. That was a complete shock. Once again, how is someone in their right mind supposed to respond to that. So I sat and said nothing.
I know after all the things I've done in my short twenty years of living, I don't deserve the best, but damnit, I think I sure as hell deserve better than that. Just sayin.
Everytime we have an argument I always forgive him. A week or so ago we broke up and I swore I was done with him. Yet for some reason I am giving him chance after chance in the hopes that it will actually work out. I don't know who I'm trying to fool. I just want to be happy.
I'm tired of all these regrets. I don't want this to be another one.

its been a while.

Throughout the last year I have been completely consumed with life, nearly forgetting about this blog. But I'm back! My life is so hectic that I cannot keep anything straight.
Through all of the things I'm dealing with when it comes to school and work I try to keep up with politics and everything that is going on in the news. I am thrilled and feel it is a privilege to have taken part in a history changing election. Last night Senator Barack Obama won the Presidential Election. Although I am not black I feel a sense of pride for our country more than I ever have before. To think that we have come this far, I voted for him and I hoped he would win but I was unsure. But when I heard the results last night on the news it all seemed so real. Driving to class this morning I was still taking it all in, the reality of all of it, and I caught myself on the verge of tears. I am overwhelmed with the fact that my new president is a black man and blue is finally back in the white house.
Today is sincerely a great day to be an American.