a thread.

That's what I'm holding onto. I'm really trying to be strong and not stress over all this but I can't help but feel awful. I can't handle anything that's going on right now. Calling it quits seems so much easier than going on. I cannot handle school at all. I've been on overload lately and I am behind in all my classes and I am afraid to see how this semester will turn out. Not good I know. I am beginning to think I will never be anything in life and thats a huge pill to swallow. I am rethinking this whole law thing. I'm just not good enough. I think I could be but there is just too much going on right now. I'm not focused.. I can't be. It's not by choice, I do try. I don't want to flat out quit school. But I need to find out what I'm going to do. I'm a Junior, its too late to be changing my mind. I think I want to be a teacher but then I'm not sure how good I would be at that. I would love to be a highschool english teacher, I should look into it but I just dont know. I dont know what to do with school.
And this week I found out my ex-boyfriend from highschool killed himself. We were still friends and everything so its been kinda rough for me. I just wish I could have been there for him. Like I had no idea what was going on. We weren't real close or anything but I cant help but feel extremely guilty. Like I know it wasn't my fault but I feel like I.. I dont know. I just cant believe hes gone. He was only 21 and thats just too young. Thats just sooo much life left. It hurts like hell and I cant fathom what his parents have to be going through.
I feel real alone. I know I have friends, but its no one I care to talk to about my problems.. No one I feel like I can really trust. Its hard to have all this pent up emotions and feelings. My only way to express them is through writing and drawing. I need to write a book. Maybe it could help somebody some day. Who knows. Its hard to be alone.. especially when there is so much going on. Going from day to day is a constant struggle and no one really knows it. This blog has even become more personal than I ever intended.. but I have to do something about it. It makes me feel slightly more at ease even just to write this. It does hurt and the tears suck but at least its coming out in some form of expression rather than being held in. Tomorrow I am calling the doctor... I have to do it.
Now, I can really understand how people become addicted to drugs. And this sounds awful on my part, I know. I could never ever do drugs. But I understand where people are coming from. They just want something, anything, to make the pain go away. To distance themselves from reality. To make it seem like all their problems are gone. Keyword... seem. They are still there and after taking drugs there will no doubt be more problems.. but for the time being.. if even just for a few hours.. the pain is gone and everything is okay.
I have got to hang on. Seriously... everything I have is depending on it. I can't quit, I have to keep going on with my life. One day I know everything won't seem so bad. At this moment in time, how its felt for the last weeks, I can't make it another day. I cannot let myself fall into that.